Blessings All Mine

Crocheted Blanket

2012-01-10T08:02:00.001-08:00

A long, long time ago (hehe) I thought I would crochet a blanket for my mom as her Christmas gift. It's too hot to crochet in the summer and when October quickly arrived I almost gave up on making the blanket. I didn't think I had enough time. And then there was this post by my friend Kristen that I remembered, and I decided to try and crochet one row (or 100 stiches) a day. I figured that would give me a reasonable goal to follow and I would finish in time. Thankfully both were true and I finished in the week before Christmas.

Do you think she liked it? :)

After things settled down and Christmas was put away, I really wanted to start another project. A friend of mine is due to have her 2nd baby on March 11th so I thought I'd make a little blanket for her baby boy. I found a huge skeen of yarn at the craft store and since it was 1/2 off, I bought two--just in case I don't have enough. And, , , I can't remember if I gave momma-to-be this blog address so if I did, she can just act surprised at her baby shower. I'll be surprised too if I can get it finished in time. ;)

My goal for getting this done: 5 rows (or 355 stiches)a day. Because, really, I need to get a move on for this to be done!
Here's what I have so far:

Isn't this the cutest yarn?

It's Been 13 Years

2012-01-09T08:15:00.000-08:00

Today is Olivia's birthday. She is 13. Can you believe it? I can't.

They say time heals all wounds. Some wounds I'm afraid, never heal. They just can't. And I think losing a child is one of those.

It was 8 years between the time I gave Olivia up for adoption and when my daughter Hannah was born. You know how good it feels when you hold your baby close to you, so their head is on your shoulder and your hand is on their back? It's the best feeling in the world. For 8 years I had the insatiable desire to hold my baby like that and care for her. Sooo frustrating. And Mother's Day was hard. And Christmas.

And, her birthdays.

But the pain has eased, especially since I have another sweet baby (now 7 months old) to love on and snuggle with. The Lord has really, really, really, really, really, really BLESSED us with TWO sweet little girls to love and I am SOOOO thankful.

I have a lot of other thoughts to share, like what my relationship is like now with Olivia, how I wasn't included in the "family" birthday party they had for Olivia yesterday and how we have to visit her this coming weekend, etc. but I want to end the post here.

I'm doing fine today. I may hug & kiss my own little girls a little harder today (if that's even possible!) but I just felt that I wanted to write something on this special day.

Happy Birthday, Olivia. I love you so much.

Girls' Room, Part II

2011-09-05T10:44:00.000-07:00

Here, finally, are more pictures of the girls' room. I spent at least a hour & 1/2 on it the other day re-arranging Hannah's bed and making that corner more usable for her dress up things, barbies and doll house.

The two bins under the crib are for Hannah's stuffed animals. That gets them out of the way.

I finally cleared out the crib for Kayla so it will be ready when she outgrows the bassinet (that is conveniently located in our room)...

... looks like that will be real soon!!!

The other side of the room... closet with labeled toy bins and Hannah's 9000 books.

Going to try and get the wooden letters for the girls' names hung up today. Maybe Husband will do it for me! ;)

Happy organizing!

Facebook

2011-08-18T08:23:00.000-07:00

These days you can find most anyone thru facebook. Olivia is on there and so is her older brother (we'll call him Alan). The other day her older brother shared what someone had written on his page. Or maybe it was someone else's page but Alan was clearly the one being written to. This other kid said something like, "... you adopted piece of s*** ni**a. You're gonna pick cotton on my farm." ouch. Makes you wonder what kind of family he comes from.

I think I have mentioned before that Olivia is bi-racial. Well, so is her older brother. I have to admit though that the part that bothered me the most is the "adopted" part. Like Alan is less than anyone else b/c he was adopted. And it makes me wonder if Olivia will face ppl like that--or if she has already.

Kids are mean. And facebook is just another avenue for kids to bully one another. If they were my kids they wouldn't be on at all. Is it really worth it? I'm soooo glad that FB wasn't around when I was their age. Or especially in college when I was at my dumbest. :/

What do you think?

Girls' Room, Part I

2011-05-16T06:51:00.000-07:00

I've been working pretty hard the last few weeks to get ready for our new baby girl. After cleaning up the "girls" room a little this morning, I thought I'd share what parts of their room are all ready.
I talked to Hannah for quite awhile about moving her bed so that we can fit the baby's crib in the room. She was fine with it. For her birthday I asked my mom to get her the princess bed set (found @ Target) and she loves it. I also decided to move her fairy stickers over to her corner and I hung up the little clothespin fairies that my mom made her.

The changing table is stacked and ready to go...

I re-painted this old dresser that we've had and used my trusty label maker to designate each drawer. It really helped me figure out where to put things!

I'm not a big fan of this green but when I went to Target, they were cleaned out of their container options and I was ready to bring something home! Plus, they were only $5 each! I'm using them for burp cloths and bibs... and whatever else will fit!

*Side note: sorry about the shadows in the pictures! I'll do better next time. ;) *

Update

2011-05-06T13:00:00.000-07:00

Not much has been going on in my "adoption world" lately so I haven't been posting anything (sorry)! I've also been really busy planning for the arrival of baby girl #2 and also baby girl #1's 4th birthday party (which is 2mrw).

Anyway, last Saturday was my baby shower and Olivia and her mom were able to come which was really nice. She said she wants a pet rat and her mom said she could get one if she does well on her upcoming tests. Um, yes, that's right, a rat. Shakes head... Moving right along... we noticed that Olivia has lost weight. A considerable amount. She didn't get a lot to eat when everyone was going thru the line but after awhile she went back to get more and told her mom that she was starving. And her mom said, "well, that's b/c your starving yourself." Nice to hear. I've always noticed (b/c I can relate) that Olivia turns to food for comfort. And now she's not eating enough? But it's probably just brushed off (by her parents) like every other red flag I see in her life. . . I'm really concerned that she has unresolved issues. And I feel like nobody pays enough attention. . . And maybe I'm overreacting but whatever. I haven't done a lot of research into the effects that adoption has on kids. Or maybe it's something else that has happened in her life. I don't know.

But, that, is what's going on around here...

Have a wonderful Mother's Day!!!

Picture of the week

2011-04-07T06:11:00.000-07:00

1st visit with Olivia. March 1999.

Temporary Home

2011-04-04T06:54:00.000-07:00

Little boy six years old
A little too used to being alone
Another new mom and dad
Another school, another house that'll never be home

When people ask him how he likes this place
He looks up and says with a smile upon his face
This is my temporary home
It's not where I belong
Windows and rooms
That I'm passin thru
This is just a stop
On the way to where I'm going
I'm not afraid because I know
This is my temporary home

Young mom on her own
She needs a little help
Got no where to go
She's looking for a job
Looking for a way out
'Cause the half way house will never be a home
At night she whispers to her baby girl

Someday we'll find our place here in this world
This is our temporary home
It's not where we belong
Windows and rooms that we're passin thru
This is just a stop to where we're going
I'm not afraid because I know
This is our temporary home

Old man hospital bed
The room is filled with people he loves
And he whispers don't cry for me
I'll see you all some day

He looks up and says
I can see God's face
This is my temporary home
It's not where I belong
Windows and rooms
That I'm passin thru
This was just a stop
On the way to where I'm going
I'm not afraid because I know
This was my temporary home

This is our temporary home

I've heard this song by Carrie Underwood before but when I heard it this past Saturday, it really hit me hard. Especially the last verse about the old man saying goodbye. For everyone not to cry and that he'd see them again. I'm sure Katie would've told us all the same thing.

Christmas in March

2011-03-31T09:39:00.000-07:00

Last year for Christmas I decided that I would crochet a lap blanket for my mom. I started very late in the year (like maybe September) and I also picked out a yarn that was very difficult to use. Needless to say, I decided to get her a GPS instead and I returned the unused skeins of yarn to Walmart!!
This year, I'm starting early. I picked out a chunky, easy to use yarn and found some inspiration for actually starting the project from this post. Making a goal of crocheting just one row (100 stitches) a day made the project a lot less daunting. Because, as you may know, I'm not a crafter! I think too much about things I could create and worry about how they'll turn out so I don't start them. Thank goodness for Pajama Mama and her inspirational posts. :)
Btw, I hope this will be enough yarn to finish the blanket!!!

After I crocheted about 5 rows which used up almost a whole skein, I thought, there's no way I'll have enough. Unfortunately, Michael's didn't have anymore yarn from that same die lot but hopefully it won't be noticeable!!

Oh, and guess what? Husband complimented my work without me even asking. yahoo!!!

Goodbye, sweet friend

2011-03-25T05:50:00.000-07:00

Last night we found out that Katie died yesterday around 4pm. And while we are relieved that she is not suffering anymore, we are very saddened by this loss. Please pray for her family and her husband. I can't imagine having to bury your spouse. When I woke up this morning I imagined how empty and quiet his house must be.
I'm kind of glad that I didn't see Katie while she was so sick. I get to remember her as the girl in this picture: bubbly, happy, funny, sensitive and very loving. I'm going to miss her so much.

RIP Katie. 5/18/78 - 3/24/11

Oh, Katie

2011-03-23T16:04:00.000-07:00

My husband and Katie's husband work together. Today while he was at work, Katie's husband got a call from hospice. They told him that Katie wasn't going to make it through the weekend. And today is already Wednesday. He is taking off of work the rest of the week. My Husband has been meeting with him at Starbucks for coffee when they get off of work. He needs prayer too. It's so hard to see a friend go through something so awful. What do you say? What do you avoid saying? I told Husband that he didn't have to be a rock and not shed any tears. And just him being there for Katie's husband means a lot to him, I'm sure.

I have been talking about visiting Katie for months but I didn't want to intrude. And now it's too late. I mailed her a card today telling her that I love her and that I'm praying for her. I wanted to tell her goodbye. But I didn't. I'm not sure how you do that (say goodbye to someone after they die). Make sense? I don't know. Closure is a big thing for me. I've never had to deal with someone in the family or a close friend dying. Especially my 32 year old friend dying of cancer.

Dying of cancer or healing at the 11th hour?

2011-03-20T14:39:00.000-07:00

We have a friend named Katie who has been battling cancer for a couple of years now. It started as colon cancer and spread to her ovaries. She had a full hysterectomy and then underwent chemo treatments for one year. Her scans were finally clear (around Jan. of 2010) and the doctor said she didn't have to go through chemo again. Barely a couple of months later, they started seeing new spots show up in her scans again so they discussed treatments options with her. She believes that the Lord told her that this disease wouldn't end in death so she debated going through with more treatments (plus she really didn't want to). Because she wasn't totally sure, she opted to start the treatments again. Her physical reaction to the chemo was absolutely awful and it took her a long time to recover. She decided not to go through anymore but trust in Jesus for her healing. This was inspite of the fact that she was told that she wouldn't make it to Thanksgiving. Well, Thanksgiving came and went and so did Christmas but Katie has continued to get worse and worse. The doctors found a lot of tumors in her lungs and realized that the cancer has spread to her bones. Hospice was called in at one point and last Monday they put her on oxygen and gave her 3 weeks to live. Katie is tired of fighting and is ready to go Home.

It's been really hard for those who know and love Katie. It's also been hard, for me, to continue to trust that the Lord will heal her. But I do. Because the Lord doesn't work on our time table. Nor does He have to. But what exactly is His will? To let Katie's life and continued faith in Him to be her testimony? To have people saved at her funeral? Or to heal her at the 11th hour for His glory? I really don't know. All I can do is continue to pray in faith that He will heal her. And in the meantime, I ask that He comforts her pain and gives His peace to her and those who are close to her.

I have to admit, that I am a stuffer. Yes, that's right. Who wants to deal with hard things? It's easier not to face them. And although I can tell that what Katie has been going through has taken it's toll on me, I haven't taken the time to really allow my feelings to surface. Fortunately, the Lord is good about helping me with that. And a lot of times it happens in church!

With Husband home sick with allergies and Hannah safe in the nursery, I sat in the pew alone. Service usually begins with 3 songs and 1/2 way through the 1st one I lost it. It's I Will Rise by Chris Tomlin:

There's a peace I've come to know
Though my heart and flesh may fail
There's an anchor for my soul
I can say, it is well

Jesus has overcome
and the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead

And I will rise, when He calls my name
no more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagle's wings
before my God fall on my knees
And rise, I will rise

There's a day that's drawing near
when this darkness breaks to light
and the shadows disappear
and my faith shall be my eyes

And I hear the voice of many angels sing
Worthy is the Lamb
And I hear the cry of every longing heart
Worthy is the Lamb

I didn't walk into church upset about Katie or even thinking about her but I couldn't help but to think of how wonderful for her to have a day when all her pain is gone. She'll have no more sorrow. No sickness. No sadness. No worries. No frustrations. And, I thought of me. I will miss her. A lot.

I ended up not being able to sing any songs during service. Just look at the titles:
Before the Throne of God Above
Great is Thy Faithfulness
How Firm a Foundation
Rock of Ages

I'm so thankful that the Lord willingly carries our burdens but I guess I haven't been willing to give them over. Are you holding onto things that you need to hand over to the Lord? He's ready. And waiting.

Picture of the week

2011-03-12T05:59:00.000-08:00

January 10, 1999.

Hodge Podge and A Book Recommendation

2011-03-11T06:54:00.000-08:00

I’ve had another week of feeling very unmotivated and frustrated. This has been another (physically) painful pregnancy for me and I can’t get much done before I have to sit down and rest, which ironically, also causes me pain. So, I’ve been doing a lot of watching TV and eating. But hey, eating is ok for a prego lady, right? Hannah has also been a tyrant. Ok, maybe that’s a little harsh. I’m obviously not giving her enough to do during the day so she’s resorted to tormenting the dog (a 135lb Rottweiler) and sneaking candy at every chance possible. *Note to self, put candy out of her reach*. Anyway, last night she fought bedtime until about 12:30am. Not fun, let me tell you. I’m thinking that I maybe need to cut out her afternoon naps and bump her bedtime up a little earlier. Did you hear that? Cut out her afternoon naps? I cringe at the thought. Makes for an awfully long day. But, then again, last night was pretty terrible too. Oh, and this morning I found an EMPTY container of tic-tacs (which Hannah calls “secrets“) and she admitted to me that she ate them all last night (in one of the 50 times she got out of bed). This actually makes me laugh. But only a little. I mean, is that harmful? Eating that many tic-tacs?

Anyway, yesterday I finished reading the book, Heaven is For Real by Todd Burpo. Have you heard of it? This little 4 year old boy, Colton, had to have an emergency appendectomy and almost died in the hospital. Jesus took him to Heaven and for the next year after he was well and back at home, he slowly revealed the different sights and people he had seen in Heaven. He talked a lot about how big God is and how much He loves us. He also said that Jesus died so that people could see His Father.

I have to say, that I really needed to read this book yesterday. It was one of those days and I was one of “those” moms. I ended up yelling at Hannah and slamming her door. Nice mom. Real mature. Well, it wasn’t too long after that that I went into Hannah’s room and apologized and cried. She asked me, “Mommy, why are you crying?” and I told her that it was because I was so mean to her. She sweetly tried to smush my face into a smile which made me laugh. . . In the book, the parents of Colton showed him hundreds of depictions of Jesus and he kept saying that they were “wrong”. That was until he saw the above picture by a young artist named Akiane Kramarik. I don’t know the details of her life but she also had an experience with God. You really ought to check her work out here: http://www.artakiane.com/home
Beyond amazing. Breathtaking. And the picture of Jesus? Speaks for itself. I had totally lost my perspective yesterday and gazing at that picture brought it all back. Jesus loves me. He really loves me. And what he desires for me as a mom is way more than I have been giving lately. Not on my strength though, because the result is slammed doors and hurt feelings.

Birthfather found

2011-03-07T06:24:00.000-08:00

Yes, you read it right folks, after almost 13 years I not only know where Olivia’s birthfather lives (town/state), I know what he’s doing AND the fact that he has written two books! Here’s how it happened:

Last time I saw Olivia (about a month ago) she said she thought she was old enough now to ask me about her birthfather. And you’d think after all these years I would be ready for this question but, I wasn’t. The whole thing really sucks to tell you the truth and I didn’t have much to tell her. So, I told her his name, where I thought he grew up, what he majored in in college and that he played on the basketball team. I told her that I was sorry but I didn’t know what else to tell her. She asked me why she doesn’t know him and I said that was because I don’t know where he is and haven’t talked to him. When we got back to her house I mentioned to her mom that I had mailed them 2 pictures of said birthfather about 10 years ago but of course she didn’t know where they were. Nice.

A few days later, I contacted my old college roommate to see if she happened to have her old yearbook (I don’t have mine anymore) so she could look up his picture for me. All she could find was his b-ball picture so she e-mailed that to me and I forwarded it to Olivia. Then a couple of days later my old roommate had googled his name and said she found “him” b/c of a book he has written. I looked at the link on Amazon and found that he’s written two books. One is about his life growing up in NY and the other one is about how he’s learned that he needs to be a daddy to his kids, not just a father. Wow. And the author description on amazon states that he is the director of programs at a place for troubled kids. Double wow. I am relieved to see that he’s doing well. Actually, not just doing well but doing positive things with his life. I hope one day that Olivia can read his books and get to know more about him.

I am scared that she will google his name, find his website and try to contact him. When I told her his name, I didn’t realize (naively) how easy it would be for her/us to find him on the Internet. I honestly have avoided searching for him because I am married and I felt guilty about it. I mean, what did I need to search for him for anyway? Olivia wasn’t asking me about him.

But now she is.

And I feel like that has opened a Pandora’s Box of sorts. One the one hand, like I said, I am relieved to finally know what happened to him and that he is doing well but on the other hand, I would really rather have nothing to do with him whatsoever. I feel like I’ll always be “connected” to this man because of Olivia and part of me just hates that. Can I move on please?

The other night at 10pm (!) Olivia sent me a text and asked me how to spell her FATHER’s name. She said she remembers what it is but doesn’t know how to spell it. Great. I texted her back and said that I would tell her but 1. I don’t want her to contact him if she happens to find him on the Internet and 2. I don’t want her to tell her friends his full name and that this was very important. She said she didn’t plan on contacting him but why couldn’t she, since he IS her father? Throw up. It was late and I was already in bed so I told her that we’d talk about it tomorrow. When she texted me the next day, she called him her “father” again which I don’t like AT ALL so I corrected her and called him her BIRTHfather. Let’s not give him any credit here. I explained to her that if anyone was going to contact him it was going to be me and not until she’s older. I also said that I’m sure her parents agree with me. I wasn’t sure if she was upset with me or not but I didn’t really care. I can’t imagine the repercussions if she were to send him an e-mail like, “hey, I’m your daughter.” Good grief.

Anyway, that’s what’s going on around here. Not sure what else to say about it.

The long & short of it

2011-03-04T11:52:00.000-08:00

“My Story”

In order to update you on what’s been happening lately in my adoption situation, I am devoting this post to catching you up. Twelve years is a lot to try and summarize so how about a very abbreviated version?

I was 19 and finishing up my 2nd year of college when I realized I was pregnant. 19!!!! I had decided to live my "own" life and I wanted to make my own decisions (apart from serving Jesus). So, I had to drop out of my 4 year college, move back home and enroll in community college (in order to stay on my step-dad’s insurance I had to be a full time student). Because the birthfather is black, my mom and step-dad were pretty adamant about me not keeping the baby (although my mom has since repented of this). I was adamant about not having an abortion so that left only one choice: adoption.

The birthfather found out that I was pregnant from a mutual friend (after school had already let out) and when he heard that I wouldn’t have an abortion, his message was, “she’s on her own”. And really, that’s the last I heard from him, or of him. I went to an adoption agency that promotes open adoption and had a wonderful social worker assigned to me who helped me through the process. I thank God for providing a mixed race couple because that was very important to me. Olivia was born January 9, 1999 and never went home with me.

I am blessed with an open adoption and my daughter has parents who consider me, and my family, a part of their own. When Olivia was little, visits used to be every other month. This lasted until she was about 4 (when I married my wonderful Husband). We rented a house about an hour further away from where they live and it became harder and harder to get together. Eight years later this is still the case. But, thanks to technology, I am able to reach out to Olivia thru e-mail, Facebook and now, text messages!

So much has happened lately that I can’t wait to share with you and get your feed back. Feel free to leave comments or ask me questions.

Everything old is new again

2011-03-03T11:24:00.000-08:00

Welcome!! I think this is my 4th or 5th blog! I managed two separate blogs @ blogspot and then switched over to wordpress with two new blogs (so that I could password protect any pictures I posted). And now I'm back (after about a year of NO blogging at all) and I have decided to just have ONE blog (enough work in and of itself) so here it is.
I plan to have this blog focus primarily on my adoption situation but will include any "hannah-isms" that occur or pregnancy struggles, family life, etc.
And because this is a brand new blog, I will have to catch everyone up on my adoption situation. So I guess before I post anything else, I should do that. . .
but maybe tomorrow!